As many of you may or may not know, I have a fascination with death. Not just with what happens to our bodies, but also the philosophical implications of our deaths. What does it mean to die? What does it mean to have someone we love die? We probably all wonder at some point if we have souls and does heaven and hell exist? But every day I think about these things. I can't escape them. I wonder what my last day on earth will be like. Will I know I'm dying? Will it be sudden? Will it be quiet? Will it be violent? Will I have a last thought or will I die in my sleep? Will I die before my husband, my mother, my siblings? How will I cope if someone I love dies before I do?

I don't really know what I am so obsessed. I am not suicidal, and I'm not depressed. It may be because I am no stranger to death, it seems to have haunted me my whole life in different forms.

It started when I was 7 years old and my first pet, a housecat, ran outside one day when the door happened to be left open a few seconds too long, and she came back gagged with her collar tightended purposefully around her mouth and poisoned. She died in my arms later that same day. Then my grandfather, whom I felt closer to than my own father, died when I was 10.

When I was 11, our dogs broke their chains one day and ran a mile down the road and ate prize-winning sheep for dinner, the bodies of which my mother and I had to bury. A string of more pets murders followed--I've never had a pet die of natural causes. And for three years in a row, when I turned 14, 15 and 16 years old--someone I knew died on my birthday each year.

When I was 15, I watched a girl die. She was speeding around on the notorious twisty roads of Northern California. It had just started to rain, so the roads were slick. I saw her car slide off the road into a tree. My mom tried to pull her out of the car, but the doors were welded shut from the pressure of the impact. She was pinned in the car from the waist down. We saw her bleed out of the mouth, nose and eyes. And the woman, Elaine, started to come to me in my dreams and tell me about her life. We didn't know her name at the time. And we didn't know her name until 3 months later, a man who arrived at the scene right after us happened to work at the general store in town, had her obituary, and he gave it to me. Said I could keep it. Turned out she died on her birthday and her name was, indeed, Elaine, and everything she had told me in my dreams was confirmed.

Then, of course, two weeks after I moved to New York City for college, it was September 11, 2001. And I couldn't retreat home, because I was forbidden to ever step foot there again. So I was forced to live in Washington, DC instead. I didn't sleep more than two hours at a time for 6 months because I was afraid another terrorist attack would occur while I slept. And the nightmares were unbearable.

All of this, coupled with the fact that whenever I saw missing person reports on Channel 3 news, I got images of how they died, and where their bodies were. My mother said this was due to an over-active imagination. Until I started to tell her all of the things I saw, and then we'd start watching the news and when the bodies were found, I was always right. My mom said I was just perceptive. What is perception, and what is perceptiveness? What does it mean to see a photo of a 14-year old missing boy and suddenly a stream of images flood your mind: he's beat to death with bats and left by the side of a the American River? Then a month later, another news report airs and everything you saw is confirmed. Is that perception? Is it an over-active imagination? Is it something else? Because it happens so often, there is a need for definition.

I have had these thoughts, images and dreams for years, and I have spent a good deal of my life afraid of death. I have considered going into fields where I would have to confront death, like a forensic scientist or a medical examiner or even a mortician. I think I am fascinated by these kinds of careers because not only would it make me face my fear, it would be helping others at the same time, whether that help comes in the form of determining the time and cause of death, and/or giving peace to families and victims.

Because I am a writer, and my major was English Literature, I am trained to see and seek symbolism and analyze everything I read--and this probably transferred over into the way I live life. I feel like death follows me around and since every pet I had was killed, is that some form of foreshadowing into my own future? See how I can probably infuse symbolism into every occurence? I realize that this is probably the product of an over-active imagination.

I am revealing these occurences because I want to know what opinions out there are on certain topics related the above. I am alone a majority of the time nowadays, I have a lot of think about and not many opportunities to verbally communicate with others on the subject. Besides, on the surface, it is a morbid topic. If you see and talk to friends and family only on occasion, do you really want to depress the entire room by posing the topic of eminent death?

I want to know what you think, and I would appreciate your participation in what I hope will turn into a social discourse. Here are some questions I'd like you to consider, and if you feel so inclined (and I hope that you do) answer them in the comments section below (there is no word limit to comments, so please don't feel like you're imposing upon my blog)--I have tried to not write leading questions, but I have inserted some questions to brainstorm answers in case you want to answer but don't know where to start:

1. Do you believe in the persistence of the human soul?
   
   
2. Do you believe in heaven/hell or reincarnation? (Things to consider: If you believe in either, do you know why you believe? Or is just something you feel? Conversely, if you don't believe, do you know why, or again, is it just something you feel?)
   
   
3. Do you have a life insurance policy; do you have a will? (Things to consider: If you don't, is it because it's like admitting that you'll die someday and it's easier not to think about it? Do you believe people should or shouldn't have these things? Should we have it because it is responsible? Should we not have it because all it does is boil our lives down to possessions, and our lives are so much more than that?)
   
   
4. Have you ever had a paranormal experience?
   
   
5. Do you believe in The Death Clock?
   
   
6. Do you think our culture deals with death appropriately? (Things to consider: Do you feel like our culture compartimentalizes death into byte-size chunks (in the form of media: news, Discovery Channel specials or MSNBC articles on death tolls in Israel, Iraq and earthquakes in Indonesia) that we can view from a distance, and thus feel as though we know what death is, and are not afraid of it?)
   
   
7. Are you afraid of dying, why or why not?
   
   
8. Do you feel like it's socially (un)acceptable to discuss death among friends and family?
   
   

( 2comments )

at April 1, 2005 7:30 PM  Biiiirdman! said...

1. Persistence of the human soul. Yes, I certainly believe that. Why? I suppose because I've had it religiously fed into me. Though, I think there's enough out that that gives some evidence towards it, wholly scientific or not.
2. Hard to say on that one. I mean, I believe in life after death. Whether or not it is the Judeo-Christian view of heaven or hell, reincarnation or some other existance we are not aware of, I'm not wholly sure. But I know there is something more than just bam, you're gone.
3. Yes, I have life insurance. My parents set it up for me when I was younger. I now cover the policy myself. As for a will, not really. I figure if I croaked now, most of my stuff would either be sold, given to Jeff to keep, thrown out and/or kept as a reminder of me. Personally, I don't care what happens to it after I die. None of it is important to anyone other than myself, and once I die, I don't need it anymore. Nor will I worry if someone is bitter that they didn't get my Nyarlethotep plushie...
4. I can honestly say... I don't know. I've had one time that honestly *felt* like a paranormal experience, but that was aaages ago.
5. Heh. That's such a cool idea. Too bad its accuracy is non-existant, considering I can keep checking my death clock and it'll change every time I click. I mean *EVERY* time. Even if I click it a second later.
6. Our culture has failed. We hide death from our children, yet we teach them to fear it. We candy-coat it for them in order to protect them from the reality of it. Granted, that can be said of life as well. :-P
7. I can say that I am not afraid of dying, but that isn't wholly true. I've never been in a situation where my life hung on a thread. No matter what we say, until we've passed that moment of truth, we will never truly know how afraid of death we really are.
As a whole, I think it's not death that would scare me, it's what comes after that does. Everything in our existance isn't permanent; it is created and destroyed. Even that which has "stood the test of time" still either needs renovating, repairs or maintenance. The things in our existance has a beginning and an end. We are slaves to the perception of time. Imagining something outside that perception for us is impossible. I know, I've tried to consider it, and that is what scares me. Infinity, eternity. We know the defenitions, but we cannot understand them as we have no concept of them.
So, I think for myself, that is what I fear more. Not the cessation of this existance but the meaning of the next one.
8. I'm not entirely sure. Within a familiy unit, it is something that needs to be done. You have to announce your wishes somehow. (I suppose that's why they make wills...) As for among friends... I think it depends on the friend. Obviously, I can do so with you. I think it's a touchy subject to bring up, and some people would be bothered by it. I think they are the ones that choose to deny death, despite the media cramming it into our minds.

Well, I hope those were the kinds of answers you were looking for and I hope I didn't beat around the bush too much.

 

at April 2, 2005 12:23 AM  Princess Blogonoke said...

1) Do I believe in the persistence of the human soul? Hmm... I do believe that people have souls, and I do believe that if that person "good" for the most part, then their soul will live on after their body dies. So yes. I have a soul, and I think it'll be around forever.

2) I believe in Heaven and Hell. I'm not exactly sure how it'll be like to be in those places (if they are actual "places") but I do think there's something after a person dies. Why do I believe that...I don't know. I just do. It's like knowing the sky is blue or the sun is a star. It's just common knowledge for me and something I accept to be true.

3) I don't know if I have a life insurance policy. I've never taken one out, but I don't know if my parents have one for my sister and me. I never thought to ask. Huh. I'll ask Mom tomorrow.

I don't have a will, but I used to write wills all the time, especially when I was in middle school (I wrote wills all the way into college though). I don't know where any of them are. Haha, with my luck, I'll die tomorrow and the only will anyone will find is the one I made in 8th grade when I bequeathed all my musical books to Emily Stewart. Should we have wills? I don't know. The reason why I made wills out in the first place is so people could have something to remember me by. That, and there were just some gifts I wanted to leave to people in the untimely event of my death, to let them know I was thinking of them.

4) I think everyone has had a paranormal experience at one time or another. Every once in a while, I'll feel a brush against my neck or something, and I'll turn around and there's no one there. It's weird. Or my sister and I will just know stuff about each other, kind of like being twins, but not. If one gets hurt, the other doesn't feel it, but we were able to guess what clothes each other was wearing.

5) No, I don't believe in the Death Clock. It's like the Psychic Network - for entertainment purposes only :-)

6) I don't know. That's something I haven't thought a lot about either. I think that our culture has been showing more death lately than it used to when I was younger, especially with the war in Iraq and all. There also have been a lot more forensic shows, and they've been getting gutsy-er with showing dead people on TV. In old movies, the audience would only see a sheet raised as the star identified the person who jumped off the building, or the hint of a body floating in the river, but nothing grotesque like nowadays. I'm not sure if it's more appropriate, but just different.

7) No, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm happy with the way I've lived my life so far, so if I died tomorrow I wouldn't be afraid. The only thing I think I'd regret was not living longer to live the life that I want to live.

8) No, it's not socially unacceptable. I remember my mom used to talk about death to my sister and me all the time. She'd always say, "When I die, I want you two to blah blah blah...." Or, "I'll give this to you when I die, and this to your sister..." or stuff like that. My mom and I had a discussion a couple nights ago about what we'd want if we were ever vegetables. Death is a part of life, and it seems weird to me to not be able to talk about it with my friends and family. They're my friends and family, I should be able to talk to them about anything, right?

 

I love Just Born Marshmellow Peeps. They're ooey gooey sugary goodness. And gosh darn it, they're so cute. I almost don't want to eat them...

Oops. The package just opened by itself! I don't know where that one went. It must have wandered off somewhere...

Well, that one I had to punish! It was trying to escape.

Awww... they're so cute. They're all snuggly-like.

Stop staring at me with those vacant eyes! Okay! Okay! I confess! I did it! I ate them all! They were creamy. They were puffy. They had just the right amount of granulated sugar coating! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that you're so delicious! I beseech your marshmellow forgiveness! What? You'll forgive me? But could I, such a hungry and salivated soul, procure such redemption?

I had to furnish Sunny, as he has been named, his own apartment, complete with recliner and television. It has an antenna, because sadly, his accomodations are not wired for cable.

I think my cat has her own plans for Sunny.

To be continued...

( 0comments )

Okay, so I saw this banner on the 405: "Win a $1.5 Million Dollar Dream Home or $1 Million in Cash!" and then the webpage address.

So I went to CenturyHousing.com and I found out more about the contest. Apparently it's not just a fly by night raffle, which is good, it's been on the news all over Southern California--but since all my news comes from The Daily Show, I have never heard about this contest.

There are 180 cash prizes in addition to the dream house.

1st Prize gets $50,000
2nd Prize gets $25,000
3rd Prize gets $10,000
4th-10th prizes get $1,000 each
11th-20th prizes get $500 each
and then
21st-180th prize get $360 each

So. It's a raffle. Which means tickets have to be bought in order to participate. Tickets run $180 a piece. Now, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in going in on this with me. The way I figure it, the more people we get in on the action, the less the ticket would cost us, and heck, if we got enough people, we might even be able to purchase more than one ticket! $180 for one person on a raffle ticket is a lot, but with our powers combined we could actually afford it. And then we'd all split the winnings. There's going to be 180 cash prizes! This is exciting because the worst we could do is double our money... or win nothing. But I have an excellent track record with raffles. In fact, out of all the raffles I've ever entered, I've only lost once--and that's because I didn't buy the ticket, it was given to me.

So, anybody interested?

( 4comments )

at March 22, 2005 12:53 PM  Gungadin said...

I'm in once I get my next check from my museum gig. I have faith!

 

at March 22, 2005 2:18 PM  Nikoli Striker said...

I assume the cost split on this would depend on how many people went in for a ticket, eh?

What, by the way, does all the raffle money go toward? Charity? Funding the prizes? Lining the wallets of the bourgeois?

 

at March 22, 2005 2:49 PM  Samantha said...

The money benefits a charity called: The More Than Shelter Fund. It's an organization "dedicated to raising operating and capital funds to perpetuate the much-needed social service programs launched by Century Housing throughout Southern California." Apparently the poverty (or low income) level in Los Angeles County (the county in which I reside and currently a part of this statistic, sadly enough) is 40%.

More Than Shelter services include Child Development Centers, After-School Tutoring Programs, Job Training and Placement, Wellness Programs for Seniors, and Transitional Housing for Homeless Veterans.

So I think it's a good cause, as well as an awesome chance at a dream house, or a million bucks.

 

at March 23, 2005 7:16 PM  Brian Bartelt said...

huh. Sure, I'm in... if you get enough people to drive the cost down a little. I assume that if we win the house, we take the $1 mil and split it?

 

Dear Jude,

I've tried to fight it, but your blue eyes finally got to me. Well, not finally, because I've loved you since 1997 when I saw Music From Another Room and Gattaca. I finally moved on in 2000 when your marriage seemed to have no end in sight. You were having babies left and right, and you were across an ocean, and I was stuck in Northern Californian town where people grow their own sheep for food. I convinced myself that your marriage would never waver, and that even if it did, you'd never date someone as young as me. What's a girl to do? She marries a Michigander, that's what she does. But he's pretty great, that Michigander of mine.

After three years of marriage, my marriage, not yours, I hear that you and Sadie Frost finally kicked the bucket. I'm not so surprised, ya know. I was watching Dracula the other night on Showtime, and Sadie looks like a whore, and she's a bad actress. I still don't get the whole Lucy on Mina action at the beginning, that wasn't in Bram Stoker's version, why should it be in Francis Ford Coppola's? But that's beside the point. It's good you finally came to your senses. But what's more is that you're engaged to a girl who's a year younger than me! I feel so conflicted... if I had only held out a few more years, we may have had a chance. But as it stands, I'm pretty content with my Michigander. So it's alright. I learned long ago to never trust a man with blue eyes. And your blue eyes, my friend, are enchanting. A little too enchanting. Bewitching. And I've never been bewitched before.

But to ya the truth, Jude, I am lonely. But you're used to that by now. I never do write to you with good news.

I was fired from my job about a month ago. I guess that should give me even more peace of mind, really, because they said I wasn't pretty enough to be at the front desk. And if I wasn't pretty enough to be a receptionist for a production company that only dealt in commercials, then I definitely wouldn't have been pretty enough for you, even if I loved you before everyone else. I've got crooked teeth and crooked eyebrows and crooked ears. I heard that scientists have calculated attractiveness down to a single formula of symmetry. By those standards, I never would have stood a chance.

You know, my family always asks me how I'm doing, if I still think about it, does it still depress me, am I looking for a job, and how I should do temp work in the meantime. I like to smile and nod at their advice, but it makes me die a little bit more inside. Sometimes I really hate questions. That's why our friendship is so special, Jude. You never ask me any questions. You let me be.

I'm lonely. But I said that already. I don't get out of the house much. I don't have anywhere to go, and even if I did, I don't have transportation. You see, my Michigander takes the car to work since I no longer have a job in which to drive. If I had somewhere to go, I don't think I'd mind walking. But the problem is I have nowhere to go which would require my walking. So I work out instead. I'm getting pretty strong now. I can do 25 pushups, the real kind, not the girly kind.

I sit at home all day. I sit in the dark, usually. It saves electricity. I open the windows, but the apartment is still dark since the sun doesn't shine in our windows. I've been trying to write lately, but not a whole lot is happening. I'm tired all the time, too. But I can't sleep. Remember when I used to be an insomniac? And then I got addicted to sleeping pills. I took them at first because the noise in the ghetto used to keep me up at night, and I needed sleep so I could go to class. Then I kept taking them when I was working 50 hours a week, so I could stay on a normal sleep schedule. I stopped taking them about a month ago. But I have the craving to take them every day. It's hard. I think I was addicted to sleep. I could spend 8 hours of my day sleeping, which meant I got a reprieve from myself. Now, I usually only sleep 2, 4 or 6 hours (only evens, never odds), and I have to endure my own company a whole lot more. I'm finding that I don't like myself. So I do Tai Chi Chih. It calms me down and centers me, but it doesn't make me like myself anymore.

Remember when I decided to go to grad school this year, Jude? I'm not sure what's going on with that. I applied to five schools. So far, Emerson and USC sent me rejection letters. I kept the letters. I think I'm going to start keeping my rejection letters, because I'm going to start sending manuscripts to publishers and magazines and journals. I want to be cool, like the writers you hear about wallpapering their bedrooms with their rejection slips. Maybe if I can learn to handle everyone else's rejection of me, then I'll be able to handle my own self-rejection a little better.

I specifically avoided seeing any of your movies last year. Except The Series of Unfortunate Events. That way I didn't have to be haunted by your blue eyes, and be reminded of how I once loved you, and how now you love someone else. I never told you this, but I had your e-mail address once. Your actual e-mail address. Before The Talented Mr. Ripley, before eXistenZ, and even before The Wisdom of Crocodiles... I found Natural Nylon's website and there you and Ewan and Jonny and Sadie, and your e-mail addresses. I wrote you so many letters. But not a single one of them has been good enough to send.


Sincerely,

S

( 2comments )

at March 16, 2005 5:24 AM  Power_Overwhelming said...

Buck up kiddo. And if you have nothing better to do, drop me a line anytime. I'm probably just playing World of Warcraft since I don't have much of a life either. We can cheer each other up.

 

at March 20, 2005 12:56 AM  Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I have to leave this anonymously, but I have a man crush on Jude Law.

That is all for now.

 

I haven't had pudding in at least 5 years, now I remember why. Don't let this happen to you!

( 5comments )

at March 15, 2005 8:57 PM  Princess Blogonoke said...

Aww man. That sucks ass. I have to confess though, I am giggling right now. Just a little bit! But I can't help it.

 

at March 16, 2005 1:58 AM  Samantha said...

That's why I posted the pictures! Giggle away my friend! It's rather funny in retrospect. But it is the ides of March, and something always bad/weird happens on this day, ever since I was 11.

 

at March 16, 2005 5:20 AM  Power_Overwhelming said...

Hahaha you murdered the pudding monster!

 

at March 16, 2005 9:13 PM  Lorie said...

I had already seen the pictures because Josh showed them to me last night, but that really seems like something that should have happened to me rather than you.

 

at March 20, 2005 12:50 AM  Brian Bartelt said...

Oh goodness.


Perhaps you should considre using some sort of protection?

 

I've been busy.

Unemployed. But busy nonetheless.

I have several projects brewing.

First of all, I just started Juicy Frog, it's an online guide to beauty products that will review items. I figure if there are websites that review electronics, cars, video games and movies, then why not have a review site that will give important information on whether or not Proactiv works for real, and that kind of thing.

Then there's Dead Sexy, and online novella, whose first pathetic chapter is posted, but will soon be deleted because I have decided it's not the direction I want to go in at all. So it will be completely revamped.

In addition to the above, I should announce that Strikehaven is alive once more. For those of you old enough to remember Gaultheria, think of it as its reincarnated spirit. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then you probably won't be invited to play. Ha. Ha. No seriously, we're always looking for players, but it's by invitation only. Currently, there is no story. No characters. Um. No posts. Currently, it's pretty dead in there. But that's okay, since it's only been around for like 6 hours. I'm thinking of just starting a storyline and seeing what happens, because it appears that the people I've invited are just... well... scared. They keep pussy-footing around the subject at hand which is: Do you want to play or not? I almost want to name is something else, because apparently Strikehaven and Gaultheria have way too much connotation for the vets, and absolutely no connotation for any possible newbies. Might as well just start fresh, right?

( 3comments )

at March 9, 2005 5:14 AM  Samantha said...

In the interest of promoting a safe role-playing atmosphere, where people from the Empire and people who have absolutely no idea what the Empire is are free to roam about in an interesting and adventurous way. I have changed the name from Strikehaven, not to Gaultheria, but to Arundel--this name is subject to change in case someone thinks of a better one. However, the beginnings of what I hope to be an active and creative environment has been established. Blog on.

 

at March 9, 2005 1:17 PM  Alex_Knight said...

I like the name, it's not terribly off the wall, and it's not difficult to pronounce. I also admire the fact that you did go with a new name. Here's to a good future for Arundel. May it be exciting and interesting.

 

at March 9, 2005 3:14 PM  Samantha said...

I am glad that you like the name. I thought it was good for the same reasons you described, but I wasn't married to it by any means. So in case someone had something better, I didn't want to fetter that creativity.

But so far, I think it's turning out okay... I'm excited.