I've been going through an existential crisis the last few weeks. I keep wondering to myself: Why am I here (in this Ph.D. program)? Do I belong here? Who am I doing this for? Why do I write?

That last question is the big one.

I am a people pleaser. I can't help it. I hate this about myself, by the way. Because I have tried desperately not to be a people pleaser. I dyed my hair purple when I was 18, and started wearing blue vinyl pants. I was tired of being hurt by friends who turned out to not really be my friends at all. But I still got straight 'A's at the local community college. It's a strange dichotomy. It's strange because I don't think I ever got straight 'A's because I wanted to be a good student. I got straight 'A's because it was some form of approval that I desperately craved.

Over the last few weeks, I have been hurt by the weirdest people. Like I was telling Lorie a couple weeks ago: this bus driver on the Dash yelled at me--twice--on the same one-way ride back to Downtown. And the weirder thing is: it has haunted me every day I ride the bus (which is to say it haunts me approximately 8 times a week, since I ride the bus four days out of seven). What did she yell at me for? She yelled at me for not waiting near the Dash bus stop sign (I was approximately fifteen feet away from it). She said I wasn't at the stop. And that the stop is. At. The. Sign.

Well, I have been consciously observing where the bus stops at that particularly stop--and not once in the last three weeks has the bus stopped. At. The. Sign. Not once. So I have no freakin' clue where I'm supposed to stand anymore. I keep bracing myself for another bus driver to yell at me.

She yelled at me the second time because, when I went to exit the bus at my stop, she didn't want to open to the back doors of the bus. I had my headphones on, but the mp3 player wasn't on, and I got it after like 2 seconds that she wasn't opening the back doors. So I started walking to the front of the bus. She yelled at me--again--that she wasn't opening those doors. And to GO OUT THE FRONT. And to TAKE YOUR HEADPHONES OFF AND LISTEN TO ME.

I finally had enough, and, as I exited the bus, said, "I heard you. GOD!"

But seriously, ever since that day, I have a tiny anxiety attack, twice a day, every day when I take the Dash.

Then there's the professor of my Women and Popular Culture class. Who actually yelled at me two weeks ago, and made me feel stupid--right after I told her that I actively feel stupid in class because I don't know how to analyze popular culture and apply it to comic books (my presentation in November is on comics). At least she apologized, though. But it doesn't make me any less scared of her or of the course.

I don't like it when people don't like me. The tension was tangible at my last real job as an Office Manager/Receptionist. The people who worked in the office liked me. But two of the three owners of the production company did not. I did not flirt with them like every other woman in her twenties in the office. Like, I know everyone is sick to death of me talking about how I was "laid off" from my job because I wasn't "pretty enough to answer phones" -- but seriously, they told EDD that and I collected Unemployment for four months because of that. And I find that I spend way too much time in front of the mirror on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (the days that I teach) because I feel like I need to make a way better impression on my students than apparently I made on my previous employers.

I am so tired of pimples. But I'm more tired of applying foundation to hide them.

It makes me highly uncomfortable when people don't like me--and by that extension, my work. And I got some rather harsh comments from a fellow student in my fiction workshop today. "Your (mis) use of comments is atrocious."

Baby, I teach grammar to freshmen. Maybe I (mis) used commas on purpose! Geez.

That's my first response anyway.

My second, and more powerful, response is to cry.

I know I shouldn't let these petty comments and these people who really don't mean anything in my life to affect me, but they do. They wield some strange power over me. Like that episode of Seinfeld where George is more attracted to Jerry's girlfriend than his own girlfriend because Jerry's girlfriend doesn't like him. He finds it irresistible.

I don't find these peoples' loathing of me to be irresistible. I find it disturbing. Like, I try so hard, and yet I'm still fucking up.

I think this is why teaching has been so hard for me over the last two semesters. Because last semester, I had two students who were just plain hostile to me. And I'm still walking off the ick factor of that. And so now, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I feel like I'm under a microscope. And that I need to be... I don't even know what.

I'm seriously considering quitting the Ph.D. program to pursue practically anything else at this point because teaching has become so all-inclusive in my brain. I'm constantly berating myself for the things I said or didn't say in class. I can barely write anymore without worrying about teaching. And I have minor panic attacks whenever I submit things to my fiction workshop. Because apparently I'm not even good at the one thing I'm supposedly good at.

What am I doing? Why do I write?

I don't even know anymore.

I think I write to figure out stuff in my head. And I discovered a short while ago that I don't want to publish anything. But I'm secretly envious of everyone getting Pushcart prizes and published. I feel hypocritical which makes me feel even worse. I made a program for the performance of the song I wrote, and they included bios of the two other writers and their bios were way longer than mine, and a veritable laundry list of publications. But while I was slightly envious, I was also extremely apathetic. (Was it a defense mechanism?) I don't have the energy for any more rejection.

Labels: grad school, questions, uncomfortable questions, writing

( 5comments )

at October 24, 2006 2:32 AM  Samantha said...

It's probably weird of me to comment on my own post. But I suddenly realized something talking to Laura. Since I know that I craved attention in the form of artistic merit and academic achievement, I wonder if I'm disillusioned because I'm not getting the kind of attention I'm used to getting? Mainly praise. I mean, I get praise. But for some reason, the harsher criticism stays with me moreso than the praise. Is this because I'm getting more of it than I did as an undergrad? Isn't that a good thing? Would Brandon Inge give up? Never! He prefers being the underdog.

It makes him scrappy.

And so I changed my theme in honor of the scrappiest Tiger of them all: Brandon Inge.

May he win a World Series.

 

at October 25, 2006 4:05 PM  Jezebelsriot said...

And ps- who's the hottie? I'm not a baseball fan, but here in St Louis it's mandated that I hate that uniform right now.

 

at October 25, 2006 4:05 PM  Jezebelsriot said...

Dammit I missed your writing.

I'm going through the same exact doubt, but one academic level lower. Studying for the GRE, applying to Grad schools, finishing my senior thesis, completely changing direction from undergrad to grad school, I'm sitting here telling myself a thousand times a day I can't do it. I need constant praise and I'm not receiving acceptable levels of it. I'm not such a big fish in that small pond anymore. Self doubt is impossible. I'm trying to restructure my inner monologues, but I'm still questioning everything I've ever done.

 

at October 25, 2006 4:23 PM  Samantha said...

Brandon Inge is B's favorite baseball player, and one of my favorites as well. (B's always been a Tigers fan.) And when I started following the Tigers when we started dating, Brandon Inge is the only player who has survived all the trades and rehauls over the last 6 years. He's scrappy. He's played every position in baseball, except pitcher. He was originally a catcher, but then they signed Ivan Rodriguez and the club was like, "We need a third baseman. Go learn third base." So they sent him down to the minors for a while. And he came back. The boy has a cannon for an arm and it's hot every time he fields a ball at third base and throws the runner out at first. I need to be more like Brandon Inge.

 

at October 26, 2006 10:42 AM  Charlie said...

http://www.sho.com/site/dexter/sneakpeek/home.do

There's a link with the first two episodes of Dexter. (It says they're cut to a TV-14 level, but I don't really see how that could interfere with catching up on the plot.) Enjoy!

 

So I was out eating Mexican food with my friend Charlie today, and as we discussed horror movies, I suddenly realized that there are a lot of movies like All About Eve made about women who want to be another woman they idolize, until they slowly replace them in their lives.

So the movies I came up with off the top of my head (based on memory as well as articles I've read recently and discussions):

• All About Eve


• Single White Female (poor Bridget Fonda's cat)


• The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (the name Rebecca De Mornay will always remind me of the black lady on Seinfeld who doesn't want Elaine to give the homeless muffin stumps)


• Desperately Seeking Susan ("Rosanna Arquette doesn't look a thing like Madonna/ And you'd have to be a moron to desperately seek either one" --Mary Prankster, Breakfast)


• Friends 'Til The End (it's on VH1 all the time and stars Shannen Doherty: and she sings)


• Single White Female 2: The Psycho (I haven't actually seen it, but I assume it's the same premise as the first one)


• Showgirls (full frontal Jessie Spano, but does have an All About Eve premise)


• Swimfan, Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Misery (these feel cheat-y because they're mostly featuring women obsessed with a man, as opposed to being obsessed about a woman and trying to replace her)
  Movies Where Men Obsess Over Each Other:


• The Hitcher (Rutger Hauer is a hitchhiker who terrorizes the main character)


• The Duel (Steven Spielberg's first "movie" about a guy driving along and a semi-truck driver who then terrorizes him)


• The Talented Mr. Ripley (the previous two movies seem to be missing the mark, but this movie seems to be more in line with a man idolizing another man so completely that he wants to become him)

So I want help. I want to know what movies should be added to the list.

Labels: horror, men, movies, women

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43 Things I Want To Do ... except I don't have 43 just yet.

Labels: real life

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Man with mannequin fetish arrested again
Detroit resident has history of breaking into stores, taking window models

FERNDALE, Mich. -- A Detroit man with a history of smashing store windows to grab female mannequins has been accused of indulging his fetish again.

Ronald A. Dotson, 39, was arrested and jailed Oct. 9 after breaking a window at a cleaning-supply company to get at a mannequin in a black and white French maid's uniform, police said.

A judge Thursday ordered him to undergo a psychiatric examination to determine whether he is competent to stand trial on charges of attempted breaking and entering.

"Mr. Dotson went to prison and they haven't helped him," said his lawyer, Edward Cohn. "He got out of prison and he was right back out there. It's pretty bizarre."

Dotson had been out of prison for less than a week when he was caught. His pursuit of mannequins over the past 13 years has led to at least six convictions for breaking and entering and a stint in prison, police said.

"He told his parole officer he was going to buy a mannequin so he didn't have to do these break-ins anymore," said Detective Brendan Moore said. "Apparently that didn't work out."

--MSNBC

Labels: news

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Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100% Punctuation: 100% Spelling: 80% Vocabulary: 80%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

This is what happens when I have to correct punctuation and grammar all year long, and don't have any time to read for fun anymore! My grammar and punctuation are 100%, while my spelling and vocabulary go down. I bet if I had taken this 2 years ago, it would have been reversed.

I miss reading for fun. Who knew this would happen in grad school?

Labels: quiz

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56vcMhVv_WM">

Labels: YouTube

( 4comments )

at October 17, 2006 3:35 PM  Jezebelsriot said...

So, hello there long time stranger. I still have the shirt and I still get questions about what it is when I find it in the back of my closet, buried underneath a thousand pounds of debris and decide to dig it out and wear it. I love the new site though and I'm loving you're still going with the concept.

Lots and lots of wonderful love sent your way.

 

at October 17, 2006 3:37 PM  Samantha said...

Oh my gosh! I have missed you! How *are* you? It's been a loooong time. I just read your profile and I saw you read Cunt: A Manifesto, too! How obscure is THAT! Hahahaha! You're awesome.

 

at October 18, 2006 9:04 AM  Charlie said...

wow, that last video just doesn't get old.

 

at October 18, 2006 9:05 AM  Jezebelsriot said...

I am wonderful. And it has been forever, strange the cyber connections we forge and maintain, like old friends from high school.

I loved Cunt! Inga Muscio was supposed to speak at my university this coming year but the U vetoed it because she's not officially university affiliated, I was so upset. Have you read Autobiography of a Blue-eyed Devil yet? It's equally if not more wonderful, although the soft spot in my heart is reserved for Cunt. I read it a time when its information was more than cathartic. I'll be around though. I've always loved your writing. And congratulations on the new marriage- I did it myself in 05 in Vegas! Very fun. The whole time I was preparing for it I was thinking, "Why! Oh why! are there not more 'cool' sites on marriage for those of us who don't want tips from Cosmo?"

 

This might be the most brilliant show on television.

One question though: How do you say no to Mr. T if he's trying to sell you a car?

If you haven't seen Mr. T's new show on TV Land, then you can watch it online. But it's been re-run every day since last Wednesday, I think.

Labels: television

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Dude. B was up at 7 a.m. this morning trying to get World Series tickets. I got up at 7:14. And nothing. We kept getting put this queue that said it only had 3 minutes left to go, and it ended up being like 45 minutes--and then I was told all the tickets for the game I selected was sold out. For Game 6!

But lo and behold! I see people on eBay putting tickets up at like 7:15 for Game 6 for like $2,000!!

How does Ticketmaster decide whose Internet connection is worthy enough to purchase tickets?

Labels: real life

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Re-telling of A Night At The Roxbury...

Doug Butabi: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.
Steve Butabi: Yeah, he was, seriously.
Doug Butabi: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.
Steve Butabi: And who do you think that guy was?
Doug Butabi: Magglio Ordonez.
Steve Butabi: The sixteen-million-dollar man himself. I swear to God. I was there.
Doug Butabi: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Tigers' name.
Steve Butabi: I was like, "Maggggggglio!" It was awesome.

It was tied 3 to 3. Bottom of the 9th. 2 out. 2 men on base. And Magglio hit a 3-run homer.







Tigers are going to the World Series!

Labels: baseball

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B and I have never felt more strongly about a World Series. I know the Tigers haven't gotten there just yet, but if they do, it will be the best game ever.

MLB.com is doing a weird raffle type deal to even have the chance of ordering tickets. If you don't care about attending a possible World Series yourself, please do me the favor of Registering yourself for this raffle at Major League Baseball's website. It costs nothing to submit your information, and you're not even obligated to buy a ticket. But if your name/e-mail is drawn, then you have a chance of ordering the tickets. If B and I don't get a chance (it's one entry per person, not per household, so we both entered, and so did our families)--then if you do get chosen, and don't really care about going to the World Series, then please let me know. Because if you have the opportunity to buy the tickets, then we'll reimburse you for the tickets. You may not even have to buy them yourself, I'm not sure how the raffle/purchase process is going to proceed. I'm assuming there'd be a link there and maybe we could follow it and enter our credit card info instead or something. I don't know.

No participation necessary, but you're awesome if you do. The registration deadline is tomorrow (October 10th, by 5 p.m. EST). I might even buy you something pretty (like a cool book or some tasty tea).

Thanks!

Labels: baseball

( 2comments )

at October 12, 2006 12:23 PM  Lorie said...

I didn't make the cut. But they offered to let me buy a ticket from a season ticket holder. I'm sure that would be affordable...

 

at October 13, 2006 2:36 PM  Samantha said...

They did the same to me. Between me, B and our families, we had like 8 entries. And nothin'.

 

For Buy A Friend A Book Week, I surprised someone largely unexpected with a book. Marianne, from my women/literature/popular culture class, really enjoys children's fantasy literature, and she had never read Dealing With Dragons, which is a complete crime. So I was going to loan her my copy, but then I remembered this was her last semester of coursework and she was moving. So I decided to just give her a copy of the book--that way she can read it at her leisure (which may mean she doesn't get to it until January) and doesn't have to worry trying to return it to me in the future. Plus, it's always wonderful to spread good books around.

Labels: books

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The wonderful thing about Tiggers



Is Tiggers are wonderful things.



Their tops are made of rubbers



The bottoms are made of springs.



They're Bouncy,



Flouncy,



Trouncy,



Pouncy,



Fun,



fun, fun, fun,



FUN!!!



The most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I'm the only one



I'm the only one !



Grrrrrrrrowl!

Labels: baseball

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8 strikeouts. Tigers won 6 to 0. It was a freakin' awesome game. I haven't been this excited during playoffs since 2002 when my Angels made it. And I have to say I'm even more excited this year because B's been following the Tigers ever since I've known him (8 years). This is exciting.

Labels: baseball

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My poetry is being performed at two venues in the next two weeks.

USC Thornton School of Music Thursday, October 5, 2006: 4:00:00 PM - 4:45:00 PM

Frank Ticheli, Professor of Composition Thornton School of Music

David St. John, Professor of English, School of Letters, Arts & Science

Live performances of musical works created by USC students in a collaborative setting will demonstrate the type of work that can only be achieved in a multidisciplinary environment, such as that offered at USC. The works will be sung by vocal arts majors in the Thornton School, adding yet another layer in the collaborative experience.

USC Thornton Contemporary Music Ensemble

Tuesday, October 10, 2006: 8:00 p.m.

Interim music director Frank Ticheli leads some of the finest student musicians of the USC Thornton School in an evening of contemporary works by Dan Becker, Ian Clarke, Alan Chan, Ben Phelps, Belinda Reynolds, and Einojuhani Rautavaara.

Labels: real life

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I'm not even kidding. If you've got twenty-grand laying around collecting dust... buy your own tank... online...

That's gotta be one killer shipping charge.

Labels: news

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This is oddly addictive.

Brilliant, But Cancelled -- voting on shows that will be canceled is smooth and satisfying.

Labels: television

( 2comments )

at October 13, 2006 3:37 PM  Samantha said...

That's a kind of nerd slut. ;)

 

at October 13, 2006 3:37 PM  Charlie said...

You're darn right this is addictive... you may be a nerd slut, but I am a media slut.