That's right. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is all about dick. And lots of it.

To avoid spoilers, stop reading now.



The following list is just off the top of my head, and I wish I had screen captures to fully illustrate my point, but ultimately Indiana Jones is about pushing heteronormative lifestyles down our throats, or penetrating our thought processes, whichever you prefer. Because, gasp, isn't it a shame that Indiana Jones never married or reproduced? Well, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull retroactively fixes that dilemma! Welcome Shia LaBouf--the most overrated young actor of our time. Which, actually, fits quite well given that Harrison Ford is his dad. Recently, I've been watching a lot of Harrison Ford movies (kind of by accident, you see, it started with rewatching the Star Wars last semester, then rewatching the Indiana Jones movies in January and February, and that was followed by rewatching Bladerunner for my dissertation project, and last week Air Force One was on cable, and you know how it goes...), and, well, it just turns out that Harrison Ford is the worst thing in these movies (except for Air Force One--Glenn Close, who is a beautiful woman, has the worst hair I've ever seen in that movie. Her hair is way worse than Harrison Ford.). Harrison Ford is a bad actor. I'm talkin' really bad. He's wooden and has no range. He got insanely lucky with the roles of Han Solo and Indiana Jones that play to his wheelhouse, which, as far as I can tell, is probably really close to what he's like in real life anyway. (After rewatching these movies, I was reminded of the fact that, when I was in college at Michigan Tech, my friend Laura had a friend, Ben, who would become her boyfriend at a later time, but, during the 2000 presidential election, drove home to Wisconsin to cast his vote for Harrison Ford. After my recent realization that Harrison Ford is a terrible actor, I grew to judge this old friend of Laura's even more than before for his awful, awful choice in voting. Not just in throwing away his vote. But throwing his vote away on such a bad actor.)

But now instances of the penis, in as close to chronological order as I can muster having just seen the movie:

• The Mushroom Cloud Destroying the Quasi-Suburban Nuke Town: I thought that this was going to be a great way to start the film. The white plastic mannequins were being burned and destroyed. White picket fences? Boo! Howdy Doody? Boo! Lives in suburbs? Boo! I thought that this would set the stage for Indiana Jones to be the perpetually scrappy, bachelor archaeologist. How wrong I was. So where's the penis in this? Well, it's the mushroom cloud at course! Which leads me to...


• Scrubbing Indy's Penis After Standing in Nuclear Fallout: need I say more?


• When Indy and Mutt go to South America and are Walking Around the First Set of Ruins: The men crawl into a in tomb, which rhymes with womb--it was titled, and, apparently, titled uteruses are something that can actually happen to women (remember this is why Charlotte from Sex in the City can't have kids with her first husband), which implies that Indiana is old and dried up, so it's a good thing that he already knocked a chick up 18 years earlier.


• Quicksand: they gave the mom a stick. They gave Indiana Jones a snake. He is afraid of the snake. He has always been afraid of snakes. Snakes symbolize the penis. Indy wants to retain his bachelorhood, which means he really doesn't want to grow up. But he ultimately embraces the snake, which, in turn, saves his life, which symbolizes that he embraces the penis, which means he's growing up and taking responsibility for knocking up Marion, which protects the heteronormative balance.


• Mutt Protecting His Penis Between the Cars: his legs were spread between the cars, and jungle plants kept whapping him in the happy place, but he puts a hand over his groin ensuring future generations of Jones boys.


• Army Ants That Form a Penis in Order to Get at Cate Blanchett's character: they form a phallic like structure that extends out so that one army ant can attach itself to Cate's feet. Then it crawls on Cate Blanchett's legs which is then crushed between her thights. She is obviously a lesbian. QED


• Army Ants Carried a Man into a Vagina: vaginas are scary. Embrace the penis. QED


• If the mayan temple is shaped like a penis and the alien spaceship is shaped like a ovarian egg, then Indiana Jones is the sperm off to the left hand side of the screen inseminating the egg with knowledge. QED


• Oh yeah, and Cate Blanchett's character. Her name was Mulva Ivanovich, right? And she had a rapier? Which symbolizes that she had penis envy. Which means she is a lesbian. Because she possessed knowledge and had a plan to do something with that knowledge. Which is why she had to evaporate into thin air.


• All the knife imagery. Knives penetrate, catch my drift?

Now here is a list of things that offended me:

• The crystal skull had the same exact effect on the indigenous people as it had on the ants. The movie equated indigenous people with the intelligence of ants. Sigh.


• How does the old adage go? That women only went to college to get their MRS? Well, I'm offended that Marion Ravenwood served no purpose in the movie except to get her MRS. Marion from Raiders was a bad ass. Now, she was more doe-eyed than bad ass. Even Willie Scott from Temple of Doom served her purpose in the movie. She got to scream! Marion drove a truck next to the edge of a cliff and smiled like a tard.


• That Cate Blanchett died. I was sad when she died. She was the only redeeming thing about the movie. She was really, really unbelievably gorgeous. Such a pity.


• But the real reason I'm sad that Cate Blanchett died is because apparently the moral of the story is: knowledge put to use is evil. Knowledge for knowledge's sake is good.


• Steven Spielberg's obsession with aliens coming out the ground. I thought he was Jewish, not Scientologist. But maybe George Lucas is Scientologist. And Steven is like, "Oh, George. You so silly. I'm God's Chosen Person. So, I'll let you tell your silly alien stories."

But the biggest reason why I was disappointed in the movie:

• That they took the whole reason why Indiana Jones was cool away: he was human and he was scrappy. He was a scrappy guy. And I was excited to see Indiana Jones as an older guy, because, even as a young guy, he got beat up. He did the best he could. But what's he gonna do pushing 60? (Or, in all reality, 65 since that's how old Harrison Ford actually is.) I would have liked to see him be more scrappy. But, instead, they made him into a super hero. I suppose it was the nuclear fallout that did it... But I don't want Indiana Jones as the newest X-Man. I want my scrappy archaeologist back.

Labels: heteronormativity, indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull, movies, penis

( 5comments )

at May 28, 2008 3:21 AM  JabbaTheSlut said...

I think YOU'RE the one with penis envy you lesbian in hiding.

Jabba

 

at May 28, 2008 10:47 PM  Jabba The Slut said...

Hmmm. Maybe you're not a lesbian after all. No balls.

Jabba

 

at June 11, 2008 12:22 AM  jillydreadful said...

While it's physically true that I don't have balls, I'm actually surprised that these comments were hiding on my wordpress account. I was so sad that no one commented on all the penis in Indiana Jones. Even if people didn't agree or wanted to complain about how I'm overanalyzing Indiana Jones and maybe wonder out loud (or whatever the blogging equivalent is) if I can even watch regular movies without my critic/theory hat on. But not a single response. I'm actually glad I provoked some sort of response, even if it's kind of myopic and meant as a put-down and not related to Indiana Jones at all.

I usually get e-mail notifications when comments are posted--the first comment is scanned for spamming purposes, but all subsequent comments are automatically allowed. Since you're new, it wouldn't post automatically.

 

at June 12, 2008 10:35 PM  Natalia said...

Hi! After reading your comment about no one posting, I thought I'd write up a response. I don't completely agree with your reading of the movie. While you make some great points (like the indigenous people reacting like ants to the crystal skull--so sickening that this is in a movie made these days!) and the need to make Indiana Jones "normative" (part of the reason I think they did this is so they can pass the franchise on to someone else who isn't so old and thus make more money), I don't agree with all the penises. I think you're right to a certain extent. Penises are, after all, everywhere. But I really do feel like sometimes a mushroom cloud is just a mushroom cloud. But Mutt did protect his penis, so perhaps you're on to something.

Maybe I was too shallow for turning off my "thinking cap" during the movie, but after all, since I analyze almost everything in life, it's easier at times just to veg out. Do you tend to analyze everything you watch? Are there certain forms of entertainment that you don't do this for? Do you find yourself not analyzing reality tv? I'm just curious. :)

On the whole, a great post. Well written and insightful. Got me thinking that's for sure!

 

at June 13, 2008 12:29 AM  jillydreadful said...

Have you ever thought about the shape of a mushroom cloud though? It looks like a penis! (I'm giggling so hard right now it's difficult to type.)

Anyway: yes, I tend to analyze everything I watch. It's exhausting. It used to be things like America's Next Top Model and Charmed were my sanctuaries: I could watch them without thinking. Mostly. But then Charmed got really boy crazy at the end and I started reading fourfour's blog and now even my mindless shows are no longer places I feel relaxed.

Are there certain forms of entertainment that I don't analyze? Without my comic books, anime, television shows, it feels as though all of my safe havens are being appropriated into my dissertation. One would think reality television would be a genre that doesn't lend itself to analysis, but, I find, it lends itself to even more critique somehow.

Lord of the Rings Online (the mmorpg WOW equivalent), I have discovered, is the only place I feel as though I can be relatively mindless, especially if I'm farming crafting materials to sell at the auction house (is there something like that in WOW--I didn't play it long enough to find out back in 2005).

I didn't like LOTRO at first. Brad and I both bought a lifetime membership for $199 back in January, and I only did it because the lifetime membership was a one time offer. The world felt overwhelming in comparison to Guild Wars, but I bought it anyway because I thought I would adjust. But a few weeks ago, B and I were going to a board game convention and I only went one day out of the four days, because I stayed home and played LOTRO instead. And ever since, it has felt like a wonderful release.

I didn't, until this moment, realize why I suddenly took to LOTRO so suddenly in May. Now it all seems so clear...

 

It's things like this that make me really love Los Angeles. I'm trying to sign up for the free banjo lesson at that event. I'm going to really miss the random things like this next year.

So, in loving tribute to the best place I've lived so far, I am making a list of things I'll miss about L.A. because 1) I really love lists and 2) my feelings about leaving rollercoaster from insanely giddy to freakin' terrified, and, so, hopefully, this list will help put things into perspective.

Things I'll Miss About Living in Los Angeles (in stream-of-consciousness order):

1. B --he's the best thing about L.A.


2. ANTM nights with Charlie--we've seen most of the last two cycles together every Wednesday and I won't even be here for the next two cycles.


3. Little Tokyo.


4. Olvera Street.


5. Our board game parties.


6. The Geffen Contemporary at MOCA -- they've had two of my favorite exhibits ever there in a single year: WACK! and Murakami.


7. The Acura L.A. Bike Tour--it was approximately 30 miles and 15,000 bikers taking over the streets of Los Angeles. It was pretty magical. I road on the wrong side of the street the whole way just to get the most out of the experience.


8. Strategicon--it's the board game convention B and I attend three times a year. The last one we attended I didn't even attend all four days and I still won more tournaments than B. Heh. But nothing will top actually meeting Reiner Knizia and playing Through The Desert against him. And losing. Big time. And having him sign the game and mock us lovingly.


9. La Taquiza. Best. Mexican. Food. Ever.


10. Having Ralph's and Coldstone across the street, even though I've only gone to Coldstone twice since it opened. Just knowing that I have the option to walk to a Coldstone is nice.


11. Having a card-operated laundry room down the hall--this is a luxury I will lose when I leave.


12. The city sounds--in the middle of the day, when B's not typing at the computer and the a/c hasn't kicked on and the TV is off, it's a really soothing backdrop to nap and write against.


13. The Dash Bus--as inconvenient as it has been to me this semester (the F Dash was extremely erratic more so this spring than any other semester), you can't beat the price. Not many things cost only a quarter anymore.


14. My skyline--the view from my apartment is gorgeous. There's a park and then the skyline. It's hard to compete with that. Although, Ireland does well in that regard...


15. Slippery Shrimp.


16. Biking along the beach.


17. Being within an hour of the beach, the mountains and suburbia.


18. Shopping with Laura.


19. The random events I get to go to because I live here: concerts for ten bucks (the bird and the bee, Nicole Atkins, Video Games Live--okay that one was twenty bucks), street fairs, farmers markets, readings/signings/lectures of my favorite authors.


20. Being able to attend tapings of my favorite shows (like 24 and American Gladiators, baby!), getting paid forty dollars for being in the audience for shows I don't really care about (Last Comic Standing), the possibility of being in the audience for shows I am sickeningly addicted to and getting paid to be there (The Pussycat Dolls Present the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, or, The Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious--I just knew that those people were getting forty bucks and were bored. I would have been paid forty bucks and loved every minute of it).


21. The different styles of the people walking around me in Downtown.


22. Having a pool on the roof.


23. Having a gym in the building.


24. Zhoul.

Yep. Definitely going to miss this place.

Labels: los angeles

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My costume is nearly done and here it is! I made it all myself. My mom helped me decipher patterns and sewing language--because learning sewing lingo is akin to learning a foreign language in my opinion. My costume is my take on Chi, the main character of Chobits. It has taken approximately 36 hours to make so far. It's made of two separate pieces: the dress and the corset. The dress is a peasant a-line construction and the corset drapes over the outside.

Although it's nearly done, I am thinking about two additions: on the skirt area of the dress, the swath of fabric that shows in between the corset--I want to alternate layers of pink and white ruffles. And I think I'm going to make a small train hanging off the back, and maybe have some tubing or wiring coming out of the back to represent the moment when Chi was kidnapped by Dragonfly and plugged into his persocoms.

I just can't believe I've made this. I. Made. This. With the sewing machine I was afraid I would never use. Ha! I'm so happy!

Labels: chi, chobits, cosplay, costume, sewing

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Peter Gronquist's show at Gallery 1988: The Revolution Will Be Fabulous.

Kinda makes Murakami's Louis Vuitton collection seem downright... pedestrian.

Labels: art, chanel, fashion, fendi, gucci, guns, louis vuitton, pac-man hand grenades, Peter Gronquist, rifles, takashi murakami, the revolution will be fabulous

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It was recently announced that USC was deconstructing the German Department. Dean Howard Gillman, the man responsible for the decision, in the face of outcries of injustice, emphasized the fact that, even though the department will be closed, the opportunity to learn the language would not be impeded, and the remaining (two) faculty of the German Department will be assimilated into other areas. However, the German Department is about so much more than simply the language. It's about literature, theory, culture, art, science, engineering.

So, basically, all the students currently majoring in German, or who wanted to major or minor in German, are now screwed out of a diverse educational experience since there are now only two faculty left.

Although I have no direct affiliation with the German Department, and I represent them in no official capacity, I was still shocked and outraged by this decision. As a student of the humanities at USC, I couldn't help but be disturbed by the situation (the situation being that, out of the top-tier schools--to which USC loves to invite comparison--USC will be the only one without a German Department, except for MIT and Caltech). I can’t help but wonder if the dissolution of the German Department is an indication of a fundamental shift in priorities on the part of University of Southern California: the kind of priority shift that will not only undermine the diverse intellectual lives of every student currently on campus, but continue to undermine the lives of prospective students as well. The elimination of the German Department sends the student body, and the larger academic community, the message that USC is not interested in a diverse range of scholarly interests.

In recent years, the German Department has experienced the termination of their Ph.D. program, hiring freezes, and retiring faculty. Without the support of the university to promote the graduate program or to replace retired professors, the German Department has experienced a slow choke hold that ultimately resulted in a "cost-benefit analysis" that determined it was no longer viable as an autonomous program. The administration suffocated the vibrancy of the German Department in the years leading up to the results that mandated the current decision.

The potential trickle down effect that might be seen in other small humanities departments across the campus in coming years is a scary prospect. For example, in light of our Second Wave Feminist culture, will the Gender Studies Department be deemed unnecessary? Will Art History finally get its way and the Visual Studies program will be disbanded, too? Both are small programs. And I'm attached to each through a certification program, so the possibility feels all too real.

So, I tried to protest.

After the initial buzz and national media coverage of the situation, the issue seemed to disappear within a week. I thought a zombie walk was exactly what this campus needed. We were going to deliver letters to key members of the administration in full zombie regalia. The fact that we would be a mob and some of would be zombies would add visibility to the issue, I though. Although, I made it clear that if people didn't want to dress up at zombies, that was okay, too. Everyone was welcome. We just wanted people to walk with us. So I made some flyers and distributed them in the main humanities building. I made a Facebook group. I made a Facebook event. I even spent $5 to advertise on Facebook. I also bought some zombie flesh makeup. I wrote a letter and sent it to the Association of English Graduate Students listserv asking if anyone wanted to piggyback on my letter (no response) or if people wanted to write their own letter (only one person did) and have me deliver it.

I had 6 people (including myself) say there were going to show up.

On the morning of April 23rd, though, all but one other person canceled, and I would have been the only one dressed as a zombie. So it no longer seemed worth zombie-fying myself.

The administration got word of the protest and stationed security guards at every office in the ADM building we had planned to visit and deliver the letters of protest.

So here's the scene:

Me and another grad student in Art History named Maria (meeting for the first time) show up in front of Tommy Trojan. There's no one else. So we walk to the ADM building. There's a security guard in the hallway.

Security Guard: "Are you two with the zombie walk?"

Us: "Yeah."

Security Guard: "Where are the zombies?"

Us: "No zombies. Just us. No one else showed up."

Security Guard: "That's a shame. I really wanted to see the zombies."

This happened three times at three different offices.

The shame of it all: the walk to deliver the letters only took 20 minutes. If we had had a mob, and took the route around campus I had planned, it would have (maybe) taken 45 minutes (an hour, tops). But people were like, "It's a bad time at the end of the semester." Whatever. It was two weeks before the end of term. And it's an hour of your life to protest something worthy and relevant to life at USC.

What worries me most is the message that the downgraded (zombie) walk sent to the administration. Because only two of us showed up, it tells them that it's okay to create a slow choke-hold on small humanities departments and then dissolve those departments without even telling the faculty first. (Oh yeah, did I mention that yet? This decision was handed down without even so much as a consultation with the faculty first. Most of the German Department faculty found out about the closing of the dept from their students.)

So yeah... Short of writing a letter to the editor of the campus newspaper, The Daily Trojan, I did everything I could to try to fight the decision. And now that I'm leaving USC for a year, I fear for what I will come back to--or rather, what won't be here for me to back to...

Labels: apathy, closing the german department, grad school, los angeles, news, protest, real life, usc, zombie walk

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